I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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