I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize