found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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