Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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