sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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