i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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