I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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