i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
