I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
