i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
