Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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