The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
