I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
