Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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