i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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