I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
