god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she woke up with a sticky ear
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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