I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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