I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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