My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
