My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
