he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
