Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
