Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
