She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize