oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
