Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
