I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
