I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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