I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
