I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
