Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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