she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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