you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
