It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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