watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
