I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
