2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize