Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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