He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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