so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
