If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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