Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
