getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
