We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
