Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
