I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
