Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
