She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
