can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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