She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
