to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
