I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize