True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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