mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
