tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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