your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
