i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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