lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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