Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
