woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Watching her eat just hurts me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
